Oct 05 2009
What is wrong with these dudes????
I don’t know what it is but it has become painfully clear that there are a lot of really awful dudes. Like more than usual. I mean I know you are supposed to kiss a lot of frogs - and I have kissed more than a lot of frogs, including one dude who actually was a human frog hybrid and ribbotted at my throughout the date - but I think the numbers are on the rise. Maybe it’s the economy or the fact that I am getting older, whatever the cause the effect is quite disheartening. These jokers can be categorized into several groups. The predominant groups are:1. The Clueless DudeNow I have dated the clueless dude. In fact, a few months ago I went on a date with a clueless dude who ordered himself liver and onions and talked about his dog’s loose stools. I mean really? Clearly these are bad choices, but the brother did not have a clue. But my clueless dudes are nothing compared to a clueless dude with whom my friend was going to be set up. He apparently got her number from his dad who was friendly with her dad. To arrange the date, this clueless dude sent her an email entitled “Surprise, its me.” Um, scary. But it gets worse, much worse. The email reads as follows:I was told you were expecting this email, so I will try not to be embarrassed (:I was given your email from my dad, and since I am a spontaneous guy, and did not want to let him down, here I am!It’s so great having parents try and set you up isnt it? (:It would be great to chat when you get a chance..I hope all is well, and look forward to hearing from you.How can these jokers not realize that this is not the way to woo a woman? 2. The Clowny DudeI think the majority of dudes I have come into contact with could be grouped in as Clowny Dudes. The latest clown was from a month or so ago. We were supposed to see a movie but Clowny was like an hour late. When he told me he was going to be late he asked me “Are you cross with me?” Um I was not “cross” until you invoked my grammy. Who says cross?? Oh and when he arrived late as the movie was playing he again asked if I was cross. I think the answer was obvious.3. The Douchey DudeOf course the worst type of dude is the douchey dude. Yesterday I met the douchiest of dudes. Like this guy needs a poster warning women against him. So, he was being set up with my friend Rose. Rose’s sister knew (barely) some woman who was going to rent Douche’s home. She and Douche talked once on the phone and decided to set up a date for last night. Yesterday morning at brunch she got a text from him asking if she was a Bear’s fan. ”Sure.” ”Ok I am going to watch the game with some friends at a bar. Why don’t you come with some friends.” Um, a group date? The guy is 33 years old and had been set up with her - not some random meeting at a bar late night while hammered. I think drinks (alone) are appropriate. But she is less devoted to The Rules than I so she said sure. And, of course, she made me come with. ”Who are your friends? Are they single?” I requested the information - I mean it is already awkward enough to come along on someone else’s date but hanging with married couples might just push me over the edge. ”Yes. Bring some cute chicks, besides you of course. Lol.” I mean there were so many things wrong with his text. Starting with the hot chicks comment. Gross. And worst of all “LOL.” Men should not use abbreviations or emoticons. No exception. ”Are you sure about this?” I ask. ”You never know.” So, Rose texted “we will be there at 1:30.” ”You should try to get their earlier. The game starts at 12.” Bossy Douche. Fast forward to 1:25. Rose and I were in the cab heading towards the bar for our group date. She texted him that we were on our way. ”Perfect. We are sitting in a booth across from the bar and I have on a Yankee’s hat. There are two girls that sat down at our table. I will get rid of them.” WTF?? The Douche invited his own “hot chicks” on our group date? This is just too much. ”We are getting a drink somewhere else first,” I demanded. So we went to a bar down the street. ”Actually we are going to get a drink first down the street. See you after. Hopefully there will be room in the booth for us,” she texted. ”We may be gone by then,” he responded. I mean this guy just kept getting douchier. He may be gone? You asked her on a date. You can wait until she arrives or you can meet us at the other bar. ”I don’t think we should go,” I said. ”We are a block away. This way we wont be curious. We will just get one drink.” We finished our drink and headed over to the bar with the gang. Sure enough the “hot chicks” were seated at the table. This chicks were obviously not hot and they were eating tator tots. His friends were lame. We squeezed into the table and talked to the Douche. The Douche talked exclusively about the Douche. Oh, until he told me that I should not twirl my hair. ”Are you nervous?” Oh yes Douche, being in your presence takes my breath away. ”No I always do it. It’s subconscious and I think it’s genetic. My whole family does it.” ”Hmm.” Apparently, the Douche was not convinced because later when I was twirling he hit my hand. Um, Douche, don’t touch the Spinsta. I mean I don’t like people who I like touching me. Oh and at one point, the Douche was telling us his view on life: ”I know its a cheesy phrase, but I really believe in it. You know work hard party hard.” That is NOT the phrase you Douche. It’s live hard play hard. And obviously you live by cheesy phrases. I am sure his home is decorated with Successories posters - you know the pictures of a mountain that say “There is no height you cannot reach” or some other cheesy phrase. That was the last straw. 2 minutes before the game was over we told him we had to go get lunch and we were free.I don’t understand what is wrong with these dudes. Is it so much to ask that there be the male equivalent of the Spinsta? You know, perfect. Oh, and for those of you wondering if my “friends” are really me - they are actually my friends. I mean come on - I told the world I had a rash. Clearly I have no shame nor any problem with telling embarrassing tales about myself. I guess the message is be warned.
I have read this blog for months and never responded to a posting, or ever responded to any blog ever, but I feel compelled to now. The description of this “date” that Spinsta had during a Bears game pushed me over the edge. Also, I’m not buying that it was a “friend” on the date – it was obviously Spinsta herself. Let’s dissect line-by-line:
(1) “She and Douche talked once on the phone and decided to set up a date for last night. Yesterday morning at brunch she got a text from him asking if she was a Bear’s fan. ”Sure.” ”Ok I am going to watch the game with some friends at a bar. Why don’t you come with some friends.” Um, a group date? The guy is 33 years old and had been set up with her - not some random meeting at a bar late night while hammered. I think drinks (alone) are appropriate.”
RESPONSE: So the guy couldn’t wait to see you (he moved the date up half a day) and wants you to meet his friends (so he made it a ‘group date’)? Both are testaments to you I think. How do you respond? You lie to him – as the rest of the date unfolds, I think it becomes pretty clear you are not a Bears fan.
(2) ”Who are your friends? Are they single?” I requested the information - I mean it is already awkward enough to come along on someone else’s date but hanging with married couples might just push me over the edge. ”Yes. Bring some cute chicks, besides you of course. Lol.” I mean there were so many things wrong with his text. Starting with the hot chicks comment. Gross. And worst of all “LOL.” Men should not use abbreviations or emoticons. No exception.
RESPONSE: Why focus on the negative, Spinsta? I think there was a lot right with this text. He told you that you are good-looking, he thinks you have good-looking friends, he has a sense of humor, and just in case you don’t have a sense of humor, he will make it easy on you and identify when he is joking.
(3) “You never know.” So, Rose texted “we will be there at 1:30.” ”You should try to get their earlier. The game starts at 12.” Bossy Douche. Fast forward to 1:25. Rose and I were in the cab heading towards the bar for our group date”
RESPONSE: Who shows up to watch a noon Bears game at 1:30? Were you trying to express to him that you were uninterested in him, sports, punctuality, or all three at once? Well-played Spinsta.
(4) “She texted him that we were on our way. ”Perfect. We are sitting in a booth across from the bar and I have on a Yankee’s hat. There are two girls that sat down at our table. I will get rid of them.” WTF?? The Douche invited his own “hot chicks” on our group date? This is just too much.”
RESPONSE: What has he shown “too much” of here – interest in you? He gave you several valuable pieces of information here, all positive, which you somehow missed: (1) Other girls wanted to sit with him; (2) he was nice and let them sit down at what I’m sure was a crowded bar with few seats; (3) and he was going to kick them out so you could sit there instead. What has he shown us here? Answer: He is desired by other females and will always be a gentleman around them, but when it comes to making sure your needs are met, he will turn on those females instantaneously.
Also, maybe those girls at the table were talking to his friends – this is a ”group date” remember? Are you the only one that gets to engage in “dating” on this group date. Does his entire group of friends have to suffer by swearing-off speaking to females for the entire day because he has a girl that may or may not be showing up to watch the Bears game sometime in the middle of the 4th quarter?
(5) “ ”We are getting a drink somewhere else first,” I demanded. So we went to a bar down the street. ”Actually we are going to get a drink first down the street. See you after. Hopefully there will be room in the booth for us,” she texted.”
RESPONSE: Drinks somewhere else? That’s about the meanest thing I’ve ever heard. You’re already an hour and a half late to this date. Are you trying to hurt this person? Wouldn’t kicking him in the balls be quicker.
(6) ”We may be gone by then,” he responded. I mean this guy just kept getting douchier. He may be gone? You asked her on a date. You can wait until she arrives or you can meet us at the other bar.”
RESPONSE: He invited you to watch a Bears game. Somehow, the 3 and a half hours between kickoff and the end of the fourth quarter didn’t leave you enough time to make it over to meet him. How long do you want him to sit there waiting? He even wrote that he only “may” be gone. He “may” wait for you at the bar after you show up 3 hours late – add patient and forgiving to his list of douchebag qualities.
(7) “I don’t think we should go,” I said. ”We are a block away. This way we wont be curious. We will just get one drink.”
RESPONSE: Well it’s nice to see you going into this thing with such a positive attitude. You’re going just so you won’t be “curious” later. I thought you were looking for a committed relationship. At this point, I’m pretty sure you are wasting this guy’s time and owe him an apology.
Also, somehow between the time you got in the cab to when you are one block away from the bar (10 min?) you have completely changed your mind about even showing up. I think your cab may have taken a wrong turn and accidentally driven through crazytown.
(8) “We finished our drink and headed over to the bar with the gang.”
RESPONSE: Nothing says I am interested in a potentially serious relationship with you than showing up drunk.
Ok, I would love to keep going but I must stop now. I think I’ve made my point. I look forward to your responses spinsta.
Spinsta - I don’t want to get in the middle of the debate with Macho Man but I would like to note two things in defense of Douche:
1 - At least he didn’t mimic girls “jugs”.
2 - Tator tots are awesome.