Jun 17 2009
It takes a village
It was some time in the 90s that Hillary Clinton coined the phrase (or stole it, I have no idea the origin) that it takes a village to raise a child. I would not know since as my name implies I am barren. But, what I do know, is it takes a village (or an office of gals) to dress the Spinsta.Last Friday Fat Bastard and Ball Scratch had a client meeting. FB informed me that I was not invited. I was not surprised and in fact relieved. I mean who wants to have some major meeting on a Friday. So, since I was not going to emerge from my tiny hole/office I decided to wear a “work appropriate” number that could easily transition to my happy hour garb. So, I wore a black tank, black skinny pants and a blazer. Just to draw a mental image the tank top was low cut and the skinny pants were TIGHT. But, as I said, no one was gonna see me anyways.I think you know where this is going. At 1145 I get a call inviting me to the meeting. ”Are you dressed appropriately to meet the client” he asks. ”Well I am not in a suit but I am wearing a blazer.” ”Ok great. See you at noon.” Well it was true that I was wearing a blazer but beneath the blazer lay a skin tight onsie a la Sprockets. Although no hair grease. I ran into my friends office. ”What do you think of my outfit?” ”Its fine.” ”Is it fine for a client meeting?” No answer, just hysterical laughter. ”But I am wearing a blazer!” More laughter. ”Ok, well whats the problem?” ”Um your shirt is really low.” ”Ok I have a scarf, be right back.” I head back to her office with the scarf and am running like a mad woman. So, of course, I attract the attention of the Stomper. ”What’s going on?” ”Client meeting. I am trying to fix my outfit.” ”Yeah I’ll say.” Oh please Stomp, you wish you could wear these pants. (Note: that was my internal monologue.) So, I show my friend the new and improved outfit. ”Well?” “Here let me fix this.” She fixed the scarf so it covered all the skin on my exposed chest. ”Ok its fine. You should safety pin it.” ”Ok this is ok? I mean my pants are tight.” ”Yes they are but there is nothing you can do now. But to be safe maybe you should ask another associate.” So, I ask another associate. ”Um well I guess that is ok.” I then ask my secretary. ”Hmm, I can still see your chest. Why don’t you turn your shirt around.” ”Brilliant, one sec.” Seconds later I emerge covered up. ”Wow you are a genius.” ”Yeah, here take this.” She hands me the scissors to cut the label. ”Much better. But go ask B (another secretary).” ”What do you think of my outfit?” ”It’s cute. I love your clothes.” ”It’s for a client meeting.” No answer, hysterical laughter. ”Here try on my shoes.” She hands me black pumps to swap out my silver 4 inch stilleto sandals. ”Much better.” Twenty five minutes later, and with the help of 5 co-workers, I had finally gotten dressed for the meeting.Being no dumby myself (just a ho-dresser) I sat in the conference room well before anyone else got there so as to camouflage the tight pants.About 15 minutes later, the client who refuses to shake my hand (you remember, the one who I had to chase after carrying the wheely bag) came into the office with the rest of the team. He saluted me and said “nice to see ya.” I do not think it would have mattered what I wore with this guy. He would not have seen me anyway. I think in his mind he longs for the days when boys were boys and women were barefoot. The idea of me in pants probably drove him mad (the tightness of them may have been a help to my case, not sure why but sex sells they say).So I made it through the 2 hour meeting. I didn’t get up until everyone had left - which meant I held my bladder for an eternity and have no idea what anyone said because I was too focused on not wetting myself. All in all, it was a success.As an endnote, may I just say that I do not dress like a ho always. I hate conforming to the role as nameless faceless peon slaving away at the law firm. It is my silent protest. My own version of civil disobedience. When I wear tight clothes I am bucking the system - there is no way I can be faceless with an ass of my size.
