Jun 15 2009
The Spinsta Has Been Unmasked
Not to shock you all, but Fat Spinsta is not my given name. The two people who gave me my given name were, until recently, unaware of my nom de plume.At approximately 10:43 AM on Sunday morning, the Spinsta was unmasked. ”Hello?” ”*!>!*!>! (name changed to protect my anonymity), this is your father. We need to talk.” ”Yeah Dad, what’s up?” ”I googled Fat Spinsta and I found your blog. And, mom and I are not happy. I mean how could you tell the world at large that mom wants you to marry a man on a respirator?” ”Ugh Dad, don’t be crazy. The blog is slightly exaggerated and barely anyone reads it. I would not worry how you appear.” ”We are not happy. If you are going to tell everyone about this, then you should also tell the world that mom and I buy you groceries, and mom and I drive you to work, and mom and I graciously invited you to move back home and live in our redone basement. Why don’t you tell them that huh?” ”Dad this is a ridiculous conversation,” I said and hung up.Now a few things come to mind. First, the majority of my blogs involve me being hammered and/or doing inappropriate things. You would think that he would comment on that (or better yet propose an urgent trip to rehab) rather than comment on how my blog entry re: the love of my life on the breathing apparatus was a non-fiction expose. Second, the reason I do not blog about the groceries and stuff is because it is boring. Plus, the image of Fat Spinsta as a tortured soul is much more authentic with the parents I have written. Third, you are not the boss of me Dad, I am a mature, independent woman!!And honestly, what sort of evil genius must my father be that he could find this website? I can barely find it and clearly my viewers can’t (unless there is some other reason I have so few, but it is highly unlikely).There was only one other time that my parents caught wind of my secret identity. It was in high school when I smoked cigs at parties and I had an eagle shaped lighter (badass!!) in my jean jacket pocket. My mom went through my pockets, under the guise of cleaning my clothes, and her and my dad called me into their bedroom and showed the lighter. ”Do you smoke cigarettes?” ”No, I just keep the lighter for my friend.”I guess I have been testing out secret identities for a while now and somehow my parents always find out. I guess then it is only a matter of time before you find out who I am. I am . . .Kate Something of John and Kate Plus Eight (DAMN YOU CHILDREN, MOMMY NEEDS TO BLOG).
