exitstrategy

I am remembering an episode of a sit com from a few years ago - I think it was Will & Grace - when the stars are trying to figure out if this one guy is gay or straight.  He would say stereotypically gay things and then he would say stereotypically straight things and the show went back and forth.  I do not remember the outcome.  The reason I am reminded of this episode is that I had a similar experience on a date last night - not whether the guy was gay or straight, but whether he was Jewish or a Jehovah’s Witness. So, we meet for drinks at a bar and it turns out to be too crowded, so we go to a nearby sushi restaurant.  We sit down and he immediately asks me about my past relationships.  Well that question did not strike me as having a religious slant but it was rather forward and inappropriate for a first date.  Then he asks me if I want to have children.  Yikes - see reaction above.  But then we get to the heart of the matter.  We start talking about food.  ”I really love this one cheese I get from a farmer’s market.  It is a creamy cheese with pistachios.  It is not cream cheese because I hate cream cheese.”  Hate cream cheese?  Definitely not Jewish.  ”But,” he continued, “I am practically shunned by my people for my hate of cream cheese.”  Oh ok, put a check in the Jewish column.   We moved on to our second drinks and we had taken a break from the hard hitting questions and talked about work.  I spared him the details of my job since I have recently learned that it is a turn off to talk about things you hate and it is also a turn off to talk about a fat man who emits white powder out of every orifice.  After a little more polite conversation, he tells me that he has never smoked pot before.  He is anti substance use.  Hmm, not sure but I did know a lot of overweight Jewish dudes in high school and college who loved to smoke pot and listen to phish.   ”And actually,” he confessed, “I have never been drunk before.  I have been slightly buzzed before but never drunk.  I enjoy the taste of spirits, but I do not believe in being drunk.”  ”Really,” I shouted in disbelief.  ”Not even in high school or college?”  I tempered my statement and did not ask him about junior high since I was not sure if that many kids, besides myself and my bad-ass friend marnie, drank the manishevitz at bar mitzvahs.  ”Nope, I have never been drunk.  Actually in high school I did not drink at all.  I used to tell people about the evils of alcohol.  I was like the religious right.  And then after I became a legal drinker I learned to enjoy my alcohol but not drink to get drunk.”  Not drink to get drunk?  Well, clearly he was crazy, but he was also a teetotaler.  Mark a check in the Jehovah’s column. Then we talk about our favorite restaurants.  He mentions several times how certain restaurants are too expensive.  And how he will not pay for cabs.  Hmm, he is cheap?  Mark a check in the Jewish column. ”I don’t eat pork,” he said.  Ok, Jewish.  ”Do you eat bacon,” I asked.  ”Well yes and I eat cheeseburgers, but never pork.”  Oh ok, definitely Jewish.  Finally, we start talking about birthdays.  ”I don’t celebrate my birthday.”  Yep, its official, Jehovah.  ”Wait, why not?” “I can’t ask people to spend money on me.”  ”But they want to.  And what goes around comes around - you do it for your friends and then they do it for you.”  ”Nope, I just wouldn’t ask that of people.”  ”Ok then don’t ask them to pay but they can still celebrate your birthday.   Better yet, you take them out.  You should still celebrate your day.”  ”No.” Shortly after his anti-birthday tirade we parted ways.  I do not know if we will go out again.  I mean he was nice.  And he is definitely different than other guys I have met.  I mean I can safely say that I have never met a Jewish Jehovah.  So we shall see.  I mean in truth I should probably marry the guy.  Although our wedding would be a real snooze with the no alcohol.  But on the plus side I would never need to celebrate his birthday.   I should have asked what his views were on celebrating other people’s birthday.  I mean that is a deal breaker - I am turning 30 and there better be (a) a HUGE celebration and (b) a LOT of alcohol.

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