Jun 04 2009
So I thought you were supposed to walk softly and carry a big stick
To paraphrase John McCain, paraphrasing the great Teddy Roosevelt, you are supposed to walk softly and carry a big stick. The stomper, however, defies this cardinal rule. She walks extremely loudly. I do not know what her deal is with the stick - although I wouldn’t put anything past her. I have spent the past several days observing her. I wanted to give this blog some authenticity, so before I made my conclusions about the stomper, I performed a scientific analysis of the stomper in her natural habitat. I gathered data for four days, and then ran the results through a mathematical model and here are the results, with only a 0.2% error rate (Note: I use the same statistician as Patty Stanger a la the 98 percent success rate). First, the Stomper is a Face Time Whore. The FTW is one who spends needless amounts of time in the office just to be seen by the higher ups. For instance, the FTW will order dinner every night and she will eat her dinner in the kitchen with some partner asking him/her about his/her cases. Now not only will the FTW order dinner every night, but she will always be the one to send out the email that the food has arrived, just in case you are a partner who is not in the office and did not know that she, per usual, was “working.” The FTW will also come in during the weekends. She will let you know that she is in the office by sending emails during the weekend asking questions, asking whether anyone wants to order lunch or dinner, and, of course, emailing everyone that the food has arrived. I mean I understand the FTW wants some free meals, but girl it will not kill you to spend your own five dollars at subway every now and then. Second, the stomper is a Face Up The Butt Of Partner, or FUTBOF. The FUTBOF will constantly talk about work. She will tell everyone else what she is doing for said partner up whose butt she resides. She will also say ridiculous things to said partner like “oh I am so glad I am not you, your work is soooo hard” or “whatever you need me to do I will” or “I am super excited about this ____.” You get the point. Brown nose. Third, the stomper is a Self Important Bufoon, or an SIB. The majority of lawyers are in fact SIB. This is my problem with them: most of what we do is unimportant, clerical work that SUCKS. So, fellow barristers, lets call a spade a spade. It blows so just admit it and we can all move on. But the SIBs will act like what they are doing is life or death, and they will run around ordering secretaries or paralegals to do additional sucky stuff and be overly dramatic about it. Oh and of course the stomper STOMPS. Either she has cement shoes or she has had way too many firm dinners. So, my preliminary results suggest that the stomper is a gunner. She is well suited for her profession and I will likely be working for her one day (read: next month). It is people like that who excel at the legal profession. They value work over life and they are perfectly happy to toil away at meaningless crap and call it “sophisticated legal work.” Of course, it is also people like that who make lawyers such a bunch of terrible people. So what is the importance of this scientific study? Well, it is a lesson to me. Carry a big stick and if need be, whack the stomper. NOTE: I do not condone office violence but it would be self defense. I mean this chick STOMPS.
