Mar 28 2009
The lowest of the low
Well, ladies and gentleman, I have made it through to the other side. You see last week I was on the brink of death. Or, at least I had the stomach flu which felt like death. I did get super skinny (two days with no food and constant elimination) but as soon as I started eating those damn saltine crackers it all came back. There is nothing worse than being home with the flu. Don’t get it twisted (ha I told you I was going to start using ridiculous slang) - there is nothing better than sick days. But, sick days presuppose that you are not actually sick so you can enjoy the time off work shopping, watching tv, getting a manicure, etc. Being home and actually being sick is really quite depressing. And what really pushed me over the edge happened during my second truly sick day. This partner called me at home first thing in the morning. ”Hello?” says Spinsta in a barely audible whisper. ”Oh you sound awful. I know you are sick and all but can you work?” ”Um, I am still throwing up so I do not think so. I will try this afternoon.” ”Ugh.” ”I am sorry this is inconvenient for you.” Click. I mean did that bozo really call me on my death bed and asked me to do research?? It was just too much. It was at that moment, I realized my life was over (note: my tendency to be overdramatic is heightened to an extreme degree when I am sick and/or overtired). The next day, I changed out of my pajamas for the first time in three days. I threw on some mis-matched rags and my glasses and dragged myself to work. I learned that the partner had asked another associate to help out. So, I called him when I got in to see how much he had done and figure out how to divide up what was left. This particular associate is a major douche but I think in my flu-induced stupor his douchiness was magnified. ”Hi Spinsta. Yes I took over in your absence. It is a good thing you are back. We have to meet with the partner tomorrow morning at 9AM - can you make it?” ”Yes, I think so.” ”Good, because I would hate to take all the credit for the research since you have done half of the work. You know if I was at the meeting alone and all.” ”Um ok.” Wait - no I don’t know. Who would possibly take credit for someone else’s work merely because they were unable to make it to the meeting? And that was ballsy douche for you to tell me your twisted plan. ”So this is how I see it. In order to get this done, we need to take a three-step approach. Step 1 is for me to research procedure. Step 2 is for you to research substance. Step 3 is for us to synthesize our analysis and create an outline for the partner. Does that sound like a plan? Oh and we should probably meet before the meeting tomorrow morning so that we can prep.” ”Um ok.” ”Great. This is super interesting. I can’t wait to get my hands dirty.” I sat in my office for several minutes after he left wondering if that had really happened. He was like a cartoon character. Three step approach? Synthesize? Outline? Is this really my life? I somehow made it through the week and survived the flu. I even made it through the 9AM synthesize meeting where douche whipped out an outline. It was at that point that I realize it is time for me to take a three step approach: Step 1: Get a New JobStep 2: Get a New LifeStep 3: Get a Flu Shot Next Year.
