exitstrategy

I have searched my extensive vocabulary (DO NOT LAUGH) for a word to describe the debacle that was my mother’s birthday dinner last night, but I cannot find something more fitting than “shit show.”  I guess it’s only a matter of time before I start using the words Crunk, Off The Chain, or Props (if any of these words are still used). So as I mentioned before, I have two sisters who each have babies.  But in order for you to understand this story, here is a little context.  Although there are three children in my family, we function more like an only-child family and unfortunately the Spinsta is not that chosen one.  Or, maybe a better description of our sordid little family is this: Cinderella.  Well, actually Bizarro Cinderella - instead of two evil step sisters and one fairy princess there is one evil princess and two abused step sisters.  Hmm, I wonder if that is why I hate cleaning so much?   Evil Cinderella insisted that we have the birthday dinner at 5:00 so as not to upset her baby’s sleeping schedule (read: her schedule).  E.C’s husband is indeed a Prince Charming.  For instance, earlier in the day I saw the two of them at the gym.  I attempted to make small talk and so I told the prince about my marathon.  ”Oh I have done that race before.  You know what you should do when you finish?  Grab the nearest guy and just do him.”  As you can imagine, his speech at the wedding was quite eloquent.Our Hallmark memory family were the only guests at the restaurant.  I had arrived about 15 minutes late so Mom, Dad, E.C. and the prince had ordered appetizers.  Mom was walking little E.C. around the restaurant.  After polite greetings, the Prince asks me what my plans are for the night.  As shocking as it may seem, the prince is very jealous of my life (well not mine, per se, but the life of a swingin’ single).  ”You should just use this as a pre-party.  I remember those days.”  I mean I am not 23 but whatever.  Although prince’s suggestion did make sense - I was not planning on going anywhere but I did need to be buzzed to survive the next 43 minutes (our family dinners are quite wam bam).For some miraculous reason, the Spinsta was not hungry for dinner.  A few minutes after my wine arrived, the family ordered.  Then there was some more baby drama.  Then, my second glass of wine arrived (bliss) and then the dinner arrived.  Ten minutes later, E.C. turned to the prince and told him they needed to leave.  Prince turns to my dad, “I guess it’s time for us to go.  Umm, I feel like I should pay for part of dinner or something, but we have to go.  Let me know how much I owe you.”  And in the time it took the pumpkin to turn into a carriage, they were off.  Cut to my parents faces - smiling in a cartoonish way.  ”You guys can go now too,” my dad said to me and my sis.  ”No we will wait until everyone is done.”  The bill came a minute later, and then we all said our goodbyes, and then five minutes later my sister drove me to pick up dinner since I did not eat anything.   And that was it.  A shit show.  And, then, we lived happily ever after.  

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