Feb 22 2009
And the winner is . . .
It’s finally here - Oscar day. I LOVE the Oscars. I try to see most of the nominated movies - best picture and the best performances categories. I mean, I am not so obsessed that I make sure to see best cinematography or best animated short. This year I did not do as well as I could have. I tried to see Milk last night but it was sold out. I still haven’t seen The Reader, The Wrestler, Gran Torino, or Frost Nixon. I know its pitiful. Nothing can compare to the joy of watching the red carpet ceremonies - although I only watch E and I try to put it on mute since I cannot stand to hear Debbie Metanopoulous say something ridiculous. Last year I caught a glimpse of Lisa Rina on the TV Guide channel - I mean that woman is not good enough to walk the Red Carpet so how exactly is she qualified to interview the stars? Ugh, and she always wears some Vegas show girl number that is low cut with her huge jugs spilling out. And, I don’t like Nancy O’Dell - she is boring, or Billy Bush - he is also boring. I don’t know if Mary Hart is still out there but I can’t stand her. So, I watch E’s Red Carpet and look at all the dresses and the jewelry. Then, when its time to watch the ceremony, I usually play one of the prediction games with friends. Even though I should win since I see more movies than most, I never win. Cinematography screws me every time - hmm, maybe I should start going to these nominated movies. I commit to watching the entire ceremony - even when they go over 3 hours. I don’t care about most of the show except for the big categories, but I am still compelled to watch and listen to the acceptance speeches. The least interesting award recipients always have the longest speeches - no one cares about your wife and children best set design dude. I don’t know what it is about the oscars that makes me so happy to watch. I mean, like everyone else in the world, I like to see the clothes and to predict who wins and hope that Jack Nicholson gets to present since he is always funny (or Steve Carrel, although he has been slipping). I am nervous that the Jonas brothers will be presenting tonight - I mean could there be a freakier boy band in existence? Partly though I think my love of the oscars is due to my love of all award shows (omg I just saw the NAACP Image Awards and it was amazing): I love to pretend that I am there accepting an award. I already have my acceptance speech prepared: ”Wow, this is so unexpected. Thank you so much for this honor. I would like to thank my fellow nominees for best original screenplay - you are all an inspiration to me. I would like to think the Academy for recognizing my work. And, I would like to think my boyfriend, Adrian (NOTE: my fictional boyfriend is Adrian Brody - we are the new Brangelina, but Jewish and without all the children and the ones we would have would not be the aryan beauties that Angie pops out). But, most of all, I would like to thank all those people I worked with in my prior life. Some of you may not know this, but I used to be a chubby, depressive, attorney. I had to work with terrible people, doing terribly boring things. You see, these experiences served as the inspiration for “Why The Windows Don’t Open: The Tales of Fat Spinsta, Litigator.” I promised myself that one day, I would chronicle my early years and get the lovely and talented Marissa ___ (the fat chick from Hairspray) to play the main character and I stand before you today having fulfilled that dream. Thank you.” The speech varies for each award show: The Tony’s - Fat Spinsta: the musical, the grammies “Fat Spinsta’s greatest hits,” the country music awards “High heels, honkeytonks and me, Fat Spinsta,” and finally, the Razzies “Fat Spinsta Part Deux” (you really can’t make a sequel of something that was perfect). Time to go watch Red Carpet - let’s just hope they don’t have too many instances of commentary by Jay Emmanuel, dressed in full make up and a Liberace-style suit, analyzing various celebs using “the glam cam.”
