Jan 26 2009
Karma, as told by Tiny Tim
I do believe in karma - which is why I am a mostly nice person and while I mostly suffer in silence. I figure that what goes around comes around and eventually my goodness will be rewarded. I even tried to get into the Secret but it was a little too much - I mean positive thoughts cannot help you lose a hundred pounds. Ok, well maybe it can, but it CANNOT help you recover from the trauma of a rape. I watched the creepy reverend on Oprah talking about the power of positive energy and how you reap what you sow and there was this woman who had been raped (presumably because she was not positive enough reverend?) but she was able to get over the trauma and the shock and the fear by thinking positive. I am glad it worked for her but I know that the only way I get through really traumatic experiences is to actually get through the really traumatic experiences not by sending forced positivity into the universe. But, I digress. This blog is about karma, not the secret. And, coincidentally it is about Oprah (ha so is almost every blog - put me on your show!!!!) So, as I said, I think I am a good person and will experience the good part of karma. The fat bastard I work with and the other yucky people I encounter will get the bad end. Or, so I thought. But apparently I am not as nice as I think I am. Or, perhaps the masters of the universe REALLY like Will.I.Am. See, after my divine encounter with the cab driver a few weeks ago, I have been taking as many cab rides as possible to see what G-d has planned for me. And, for a while, these cab rides were very informative. Last week I had a doctor’s appointment and then decided to work from home on MLK day. The cab driver asked if I was playing hooky from work. ”No, I am working from home today because of the holiday.” ”Oh, how nice. Yeah have you seen this article?” He pointed out an article in the Red Eye about whether bars should install cameras inside to be able to easily identify any bad dudes that may cause problems in the bar. ”Oh, that sounds smart to have the cameras.” ”No, I don’t think so. See, people go to the bars to let loose and be crazy. They don’t want that to be on camera. It is the same in cabs. Some cabs, not this one, have cameras. But, it is a problem for a lot of people because when they get back there they want to have privacy. Like at night, they want to do their kinky stuff.” Either that man was asking me to do kinky stuff or he was prophesying about good weekends to come (oh gross). Because he was even snagglier than snaggle, I decided it was the latter if for nothing else than my own sense of safety. But, then, out of nowhere my motivational, inspirational, and/or prophetic cab rides stopped on Friday night. I was heading to my friend’s engagement party. The cab driver passed the restaurant and kept driving. ”Excuse me sir, but you passed the restaurant. I said 1558.” He slammed on the breaks and said “Get out here. This way you can earn the mexican food you are about to eat.” Wait a second, was this man in cahootz with the gym lady with tourrettes? I mean what could I have done to earn such hard treatment? Was it because I dissed America’s song, and by extension the divine Ms. Winfrey? I guess it might be due to the fact that I was snappy when I got in the car because he did not where the restaurant was. Or perhaps on account of the fact that I was snappy because he could not break a $20 (ugh I hate that - I mean its not a benjamin. All cab drivers should be able to break a $20). Or perhaps it was the fact that I had been on a hungover binge all day Friday (ugh I went to a painful singles event that had no appetizers and cheap wine causing me to roll into work late and gnaw on stale cinnamon rolls all day) and probably COULD have used the exercise. Oh, I get it. I actually am a bitch. That explains why I am Fat Spinsta. OMG - that cab driver was even more of a messenger than the angel with the ear wax and the gummy warms. This cab driver was like the ghost of christmas future who shows you how crappy things will get if you don’t change. It is all clear to me now. G-d bless us, everyone.
