exitstrategy

There are a lot of hot vampires these days: the lead in Twilight, the mysterious guy in True Blood, Hugh Jackman when he was that vampire.  Hot vampires are nothing new.  I loved Angel and wanted to be his eternal amor since I was way better than that stupid Buffy.  I am no logician but I did take a few basic classes in college.  I know how to form a syllogism.  It goes like this:  All Vampires are young looking.  Young looking makes someone hot.  So, it stands to reason that all vampires are hot.  Right?WRONG!  Last weekend I had a date with a vampire and he was no Angel.  I know what you are thinking - did he bite me?  No.  Worse.  He looked totally normal but everytime he would open his mouth he would reveal a mouth full of jagged pointy snaggle teeth.  Yikes.So snaggle and I met for drinks after work.  We talked about work, family, television, guns (yeah I know - yikes, but I know that vampires can only be harmed by a stake to the heart), and some other topics.  About an hour or so later, we were heading out.  When we got outside, snaggle hailed a cab, turned to me, hugged me and said “smell ya later.”  Well, he did not actually say smell you later, but that was the subtext.  My snaggle tooth vampire was not hot.  In fact, he was very average looking.  And yet, snaggle gave me - the infamous Fat Spinsta - the brush off.  I don’t get it.  Now of course since snaggle is playing hard to get, I can’t stop thinking how I want to bear little snaggle babies.  I incidentally met a girl who dated snaggle a few years ago.  She asked how I knew snaggle and I told her we went on one date.  She told me he is great.  And then she said to me, “Oh ha I have the funniest story.  You will HAVE to tease snaggle about it.  See, when we were dating, the Paris Hilton sex tape was released.  So, I went to his apartment and told him - oh snaggle, you have got to download the video.  When snaggle went to show me the video he had downloaded, it started playing kiddie porn.  The download was mislabeled.  He was so embarrassed.  Isn’t that hilarious?  You totally have to tell him I told you that story.” No, random drunk girl, that story is not hilarious.  But are you telling me that my beloved snaggle is freaky?  Oh snaggle, my love, I will wait for you forever.  I love you.  Of course, if you do ask me out again I will no longer love (or even like) you and your snaggle teeth will bother me and I won’t respect you for having dated such a clown.  But until then, this womb is for you snaggle and for our snaggle babies.   

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