exitstrategy

You are not supposed to gain weight until Thanksgiving starts. Studies show that from Thanksgiving to Christmas, most Americans pack on the pounds on account of all the holiday parties and increased food and drink. But, Thanksgiving is three days away.

I recently learned at the the gym that I was ahead of the curve and had already gotten started on my holiday expansion.

I was in the locker room after my workout. I was wearing light grey adidas pants with a swirly pattern going down the side. The effect of the swirl from my ass, across my hip, down to my knee, was, SHOCKER, not good. It emphasized all the trouble spots. The swirl functioned as an arrow pointing to my fattest points encouraging onlookers to stare at my fat ass.

I was staring at myself in the mirror, following the swirls and just taking in the overall horror of my reflection. I looked rather huge. But, I am not the most sane individual, so perhaps it was just body image issues. Fingers crossed. Or so, I thought. But I heard a woman to my left making strange noices.

Several times this woman would spontaneously shout “Glurp” or “AAAAG” or “Guuuuuu.” I looked over for a second to identify the source of these sounds and noticed a woman across the aisle from me. A few seconds later, I was back in my position staring at my fat reflection and obsessing. And then it happened. The woman across the way said what all the others in the locker room were thinking. She said, “Glurp, Glurp. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror. You’re fat. Glurp.”

I was shocked. At first I thought I had imagined it, but then a few minutes later she again shouted “Glurp Glurp.” I knew I had not imagined it.

I do realize that this poor woman probably had some form of Tourette’s Syndrome. I do not begrudge her for shouting what she did. She could not help it. And, part of the reason she could not help it was because I am in fact, glurp, glurp, FAT.

I wonder though if I can still wait until New Years to resolve to lose the weight. I mean I will only gain more weight. Thanksgiving is coming and I love mashed potatoes. Glurp, Glurp?

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